One Breath at a Time

The waves were crashing all around me
There was no way I could ever break free.
I tried to swim down deeper and deeper
So that I could finally catch my breath
But the pressure kept building
There was no air left.

I wake up in a cold sweat.
I look around.
I see myself in a hospital bed.
My mom is there
Holding my hand.
She hasn't left my side
And hasn't stopped praying
That God would keep me alive.
"One breath at a time"
She whispers.

I watch her until I can't watch her anymore.
I go to look for my dad, but he's nowhere to be found
So I make my way through the door and down the hall
And I find him in the waiting room
Staring at the wall.
I can see it in his eyes
How he wishes he could have been there to save me that day
But it was too late.
"One breath at a time"
He whispered.
And he sat trying to convince himself I would be fine.

That's how I learned
Those waves crashing down on me
Made their way to my whole family.
And I died to myself that day
So my waves wouldn't  take them away.

Imperfection Serves Perfection

We’re all stuck in the stagnant waters of Christian clichés and excuses of why we can’t do anything to fix the world around us. We’ve lost sight of who we are and what we’re living for.

We live in a world ruled by sin, but we live in a time where sin no longer has its grip on us. I hate phrases like, “We’re sinners, that’s all we’ll ever be” because they are not true. Yes, we are imperfect people, but what about sanctification? What about the fact that Jesus died on the cross so we no longer had to be slaves to sin, but to grace? Just because we’ll never be perfect doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ever try.

I think God wants us to constantly be pursuing Him and who we could be in Him. I think we’ve said that too many times for it to mean anything anymore. I think that’s why Christians are so complacent in their walks with God, because they become content with what shouldn’t be.

We shouldn’t be okay with the fact that we are imperfect people serving a perfect God. We should see it as truth, because in this world we will never be perfect, but we should never ever ever be content. We should strive every day to give Jesus all we've got, because He deserves it and it's the least we could do. Jesus suffered as we do, felt pain like we do, and then took on all of our sins on the cross for us. For the first time ever, God forsook His Son because He just couldn’t look at the weight of the sin He was bearing.

God doesn't desire for us a life of excuses. He didn't do all He did on earth for us to do that. He wants us to live in total trust of who He is. He wants us to forget about our sin, not for us to hold onto it and let it control who we are. He wants every day on this earth to be a step closer to perfection. We can't do that if we keep using the fact that we're sinners as an excuse. It's truth, but there's a difference between the truth and an excuse. 

So because of His perfection, because of His humility, because of His grace and willingness to bear our sins so we could live a life free of them, don’t you think we should give Him a little bit more than what we have been giving Him? 

innocence again

when i was a kid
i'd write poems about
mountains and snowstorms
and days on the beach.

they were coated in innocence
they were totally free.

...just like my thoughts
and hopes
and dreams

used to be.

don't fade away

if  you want me to be honest,
i wish all of your words were a lie.
i wish the things you said to me
were just some sort of question
you were sorting out in your mind.
but i don't think that's the case, i think it's all the truth
and it scared me to think you could be walking away from
the things you've always held close to you.

it's a struggle to rise above it
it's hard to stand against
the current of the world that's pulling you so hard one way
when all you want to do
is go the other way.

this all might be a little harsh
and i don't mean it all entirely
i just don't want to see you be
like everyone else i've seen
fade away the same.

Firm Foundations

I've built elegant castles in the sand,
Only, the waves keep crashing down
On the work I carefully sculpted by my very own hand.
The castles I build, though they look strong,
Really are no match,
For the waves that build themselves up
To come down with a heavy crash.

I got tired of the work I was doing for nothing.
I got a hammer and a chisel,
I sought out the strongest, toughest, boldest rock I could find.
I went to work.
I sat there for hours knocking down the rock
And with it, I built a house.
So when the waves creep up,
My house stands strong,
And I don't have to worry much
When something goes wrong.

Why Parents Really Aren't That Embarrassing

When I was about fourteen years old, two my friends and I decided we wanted to go see Alice in Wonderland at the movies. My one friends mom drove us to there, but after she left she realized she couldn’t come back to pick us up. My other friend called her parents, and they were at work or something like that, so they couldn’t pick us up either.

What you need to understand is that I never liked to call my parents for a ride or anything like that. One reason was because I was afraid my friends would make fun of me because my mom and dad are really kind of strange. The second reason is because I was always kind of afraid that my parents wouldn’t like my friends that much. So fear is what kept that from happening, until the day we got stranded at the movie theater.

I was their last hope, otherwise we would be stuck at the movie theater for a couple of extra hours with nothing to do, and none of us wanted to do that. We also didn’t know about movie hopping until we were about 16, so that didn’t cross our minds either. So I had no choice but to call my mom and ask for a ride. Lucky for me (and I say that with a heavy dose of sarcasm) both my mom and my dad were at the store and would be picking us up together.

One parent was bad enough, but two is just overwhelming. They ooze embarrassment and feed off of one another when they are together. Not to mention this was one of the first times my friends were actually meeting good old mom and dad. I was really nervous about what this car ride would look like.

The movie ends and I get a call from my mom telling me they are there to get us. My two friends and I get into the car, and I introduce everyone to each other as we start our thirty minute adventure home. The car ride goes pretty smoothly until my mother decides to turn on the radio, which just happened to be the 80’s station. I forget what song it was, but out of no where my parents just started jamming. And when I say jamming, I mean music so loud that we couldn’t talk to each other and screaming along to the words with all they had in them.

Talk about an embarrassing moment for a 14 year old girl. And if you can’t relate, just think about the most embarrassing moment you’ve ever had and that’s close enough.

A few years later at a sleepover I remember having a conversation about that day. My friends told me they thought my parents were so cool after that day, and they thought it was hilarious and a ton of fun, so I guess my most embarrassing moment made my friends think my parents were really cool.

What I learned from that experience is that we all think our parents are embarrassing, but all of our friends think they’re really cool. So from that moment on I decided I was just going to deal with who my parents were, and have fun with them. It’s better to embrace the awkward moments than it is to sit around and be awkward with them, because then it just makes a bad experience for everyone else around you.

I don’t know what type of people read my blog, but if you’re a teenager in high school you probably experience a lot of situations like mine. Embrace them. Your friends love your parents strange-ness and they even think you’re cool. So don’t over look your mom and dad’s ability to boost your popularity. 

A Never Ending Chapter

Every step I take could e a step closer
to failure or to victory.
How do I know which is which?
What if, all my life,
Everything is a loss,
And I never know the meaning of victory.

That's why it's so hard for me
To understand that the battle has been won.
I am fought for, and my soul is free.

But I will never fully understand
Until I can see victory face to face.

nothing can stop us

we walk together, hand in hand,
we are invincible.
we are united.
we start our journey to the top of the highest mountain,
when we reach it, the sun will kiss our pinked cheeks
as we look over the land we have conquered.
nothing can stop us
because i've got you,
and you've got me.

Balancing Act

Sometimes I feel like I'm rotting in the prison of this life.
Waiting to be delivered,
Trying to find favor in the eyes of my friends and my God.
Until he comes to save me from this all.

I try to have patience,
But sometimes this burden is just too much to bear.
I'm waiting, and trusting with all that I have
Because trust is the only thing I have to survive.

It's a balancing act,
The trick is to avoid the good overtaking the bad,
and the bad overtaking the good.
You need them both,
Equally. Supporting you.

Drowning Peacefully

One of my favorite things about Maine is the rocks on the coast. When I hike along them, I'm reminded of how small I really am. If a huge wave came up and smashed against those rocks, I would be powerless to fight against them.

A song that I really like by Tenth Avenue North has a sone called Lovesick. One of the lines in it is, "I'm caught in Your current but I'm sinking, drowning peacefully."

I never understood that. Until now. Following God is a lot like allowing those waves to crash down over you. We are powerless to fight against Him and His power. But when we just face that fact, our lives will find peace in Him rather than violence in this world.

I'm still trying to figure this whole God thing out. And i think I always will be trying to figure it out. One thing I have always known is to let God have the power, because I can't do it on my own. I need to learn that every day, but at least I'm learning.

Mirror Images

We are made in God's image. And that's exactly what we are, an image if God. That's why we can never be perfect. 

Think about your reflection in the mirror... You're looking at a mirror image of yourself, but in the mirror everything is opposite. That's a flaw. You can't see yourself perfectly. 

When people look at the body of Christ, it  should be like they're seeing Jesus in the mirror. We are flawed, imperfect, "backwards" people, but even through all of that, when non-believers look at us, they should see Christ. 

We can never be perfect, but we can become more like Jesus every day, because he's  that good to us. 

The Domino Effect

            There was a time in my life where everything was simpler. I could find joy hunting for frogs in the stream in my front yard, or staring up into the sky watching the clouds float by. Over time, I have had experiences that have made me grow up, leaving me incapable of thinking that way. As hard as I try, I just can’t get back that child-minded view of being able to imagine a whole new life out of nothing. That’s what is so beautiful about children. They see a world of opportunity at their fingertips. As we grow older, chains of responsibility and impossibility replace the opportunities we saw as children. We see that what our dreams once were are no longer possible because they have always been shut down.

            I try to see the world for what it is. It is a lot of broken people doing things broken people do. It is broken people looking for something to live for. There is hope and there is goodness in our world, but it is not as obvious as it once was. I like to think I’m looking realistically at what the world has to offer, but maybe I’m just growing up.

Maybe that’s why God wants us to approach him as children, because children see the world differently. They see it for what it could be rather than what it is. 

Bound

Seeing birds fly freely

Makes me feel stuck

To these chains inside my heart.

It makes me wonder

What it would be like 

To be free. 

Another Chapter

my whole life they've been saying

"find your own truth,

live your own life." 

that's when I realized,

you can't find truth

If you're looking in the wrong place. 

Rejoice Instead

Sometimes it’s hard for me to realize that I don’t always need to be around “church kids” to see who God is through others. He often teaches me powerful life lessons when I’m not constantly around other Christians. Sometimes I learn the best when it’s just Him, the world, and myself, because when I read my bible or I pray or I just think, I don’t have other people’s opinions influencing my thoughts. Sometimes it’s just better to hear what God has to say directly rather than through other people. Not always, but sometimes.

I think one of my favorite stories I’ve read in the whole Bible is in Acts chapter 8. In this chapter, Phillip is sent by an angel of the Lord to Gaza to share the Gospel with the people there. On his journey, he meets an Ethiopian eunuch reading a passage from the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament. The Holy Spirit tells Phillip to go talk to the eunuch, so he does. Phillip asks the eunuch, “Do you understand what you are reading?” and the eunuch responds, “How can I unless someone explains it to me?” Phillip shares the Gospel with this eunuch, he accepts it, gets baptized, and they both go their separate ways, rejoicing, to share what they have learned with other people they meet. (My summary is not as effective as the story itself, if you want to check that out go to Acts 8:26-40).

I’ve heard several sermons on this passage, and they have been focused on Phillip and his boldness in sharing the Gospel with a man he never met. Recently I read it, and I put myself in the place of the Ethiopian eunuch rather than in Phillip’s. Whenever I have had someone come and share something with me as life changing as Phillip did with the eunuch, I want that person to stick around for a long time, not just tell me what they know and leave my life forever.

I find that more often than not, God doesn’t keep those life changing people, or “Phillips” around for a long time. I think if He did, we would forget how to appreciate different people’s opinions. God often takes us away from people so we can learn new lessons from new people, and we can take the things we learned from the Phillips in our lives and teach them to the eunuch’s we will come across on our journey.

The thing that stuck with me the most was that the Ethiopian eunuch did not get upset that he would never see Phillip, a man who God used to change his life, ever again. Instead of being upset, he “went on his way rejoicing,” being joyful of the things he learned.

I need to be more like that. I need to learn to rejoice about the things and the people God placed in my life for a time, rather than being upset that they are no longer there. I need to learn to take what I learned from those people and share it with different people so they can be just as encouraged as I was.

I think we could all be a little bit more like the Ethiopian eunuch and rejoice over the things God has given us, rather than being upset over that fact that He has taken them away. 

Little Things

Last summer I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to experience Lake Ann Camp in a way I had never seen it before. I was chosen the summer before to be a part of their Reborne Rangers program, a program that encourages high school students to step out of their comfort zones and hone in on their leadership skills. That week at camp changed my life, and I will never forget it. But there was one night that I will always specifically remember.

Tuesday night we sat in the Welcome Center as a group waiting for our next session to start. The lead singer of the Cedarville’s worship band, Heartsong came in and our counselor JB asked him to play a couple of songs. He was more than willing, and that night I saw some of the most beautiful worship and prayer I had ever seen in my entire life.

Before then I was not living in a way God would have wanted me to live. Sometimes I forget how important it is to stay connected to the body of Christ. That night God showed me that there are people who want to support me, love me, and fight along side me in my life. He showed me that if I need it, He will send people to pray, laugh, cry, and live with me. It is because of that night and those people that I see God the way I do now. And I will never forget it.

I have been reflecting on that week of camp a lot lately, and if I could go back and re-live it I would in a heart beat. It was full of stories and life changing times that God used to mold me into the person I am right now. One week in comparison to my entire life is not a very long time, but God uses small things to do big things.

Another personal example of God using small things to do big things in my life is a simple conversation I had recently. I went to one of my teachers for help with schoolwork, and before I even realized it I ended up telling her a little bit of my testimony. She asked me why I didn’t end up in the same type of lifestyle as some of the people around me, and I said it was because I found Jesus. When I said that, we just kind of looked at each other and smiled. She’s a believer as well, and that conversation was one I think both of us were kind of waiting to happen all year to make sure our assumptions were right in the things we thought about each other. I was getting ready to walk out of class, and she looked at me and said, “How are you and Jesus doing now?” She’s my teacher, she sees me every day and the way I interact with people on a regular basis, and she knows me pretty well for a teacher,  so she could tell something was up. It’s not that difficult to tell when someone you know pretty well is not as good spiritually or emotionally as they usually are. I responded, “Alright, it gets kinda hard sometimes but we always end up working through it.” I said something about salvation that I can’t quite remember, and she said, “Just remember, once you have it, it’s something you can never lose.”

That comment stuck with me. It rolled around in my head for days. When I get stuck in a rut spiritually I tend to blame it on God and think He’s moving further away from me as time goes on. That simple statement was a seed that sprouted into a tree in my head and it brought me back to reality. I was living my life like my salvation was slipping away slowly but surely, but that made me realize, if anything, I was slipping away, not God.

To me, one of the most beautiful things about God is that He uses small things to bring our attention to bigger things. There was one week out of my entire life that changed my walk with Christ 100%, and one conversation from a person I will probably rarely, if ever, talk to again after high school. Without those two circumstances, who knows where my life would be now? I fully believe in the fact that God will bring His children back to Himself with whatever it takes, but I’m glad the little things are all it took for me.

I love little things. Simple things are what the Gospel is essentially based off of. I think the church turns it into some deep theological concept that no one can easily wrap their minds around, but the bottom line is that God loves you.

God loves you.

It doesn’t get much simpler than that, and that’s the key to understanding life I think. To know and believe with all your heart, mind, soul and strength that God loves you, and to love Him the same way, and it seems easy but you’ll find that it isn’t always a walk in the park. Just know that when you need it most, God will bring along someone or something to show you that He is still there.

So don’t forget the simple truths, and don’t overlook details, because sometimes those are the only things we need in life.