oh, sweet pretender.

oh, sweet pretender!
your lips are so soft
and the sound of your voice
reminds me that i'm better off
chasing quietly after you
so no one notices when i'm gone.

how long will this go on?
will your work ever be done?
will i ever feel like i belong?
i cling to you when disaster comes,
forgetting to seek the face of my God
as if i didn't even need him.
well.
now i know i need him.
i curse him, spit in his face
day after day
asking him where he was when i need him most.

but instead of searching,
i turn back to you
you give me just what i'm looking for.
you make me swell with pride,
and make me satisfied
in the things i always thought were lies

later, i hear a whisper in my ear.
it tells me to turn around, so i do
i leave everything behind
i head to the west,
leaving you, sweet pretender
and all of the empty promises
that you convinced me were the best.

i found the best,
but the best thing about the best
is that it's only the beginning

Empty Sunshine Shining Through

The sun is shining
My skin is crawling
My eyes are burning
My heart is yearning.

Seasons are changing
From hot to cold
And the sun is drifting
A little bit father away
With every passing day.

I'm stuck in the dreary abyss
Where the sun shines,
But it's cold on my skin
I wonder if I'll ever feel its warmth again.
Like, maybe it will sink down
Behind the mountains one last time
Reflecting a vast array of blues, pinks, yellows and greens
Leaving me to dream dreams
Of days that will never be.

So here I will sit, perched upon a mountaintop
Waiting patiently for my friend
To warm my skin and make me feel whole again.

But,
Until then,
Here I'll sit,
And here I'll stay.

Stop Asking Questions

Questions are valuable.

Without any questions, we wouldn’t see anything beyond what we already know.

But the thing about questions is, when you ask too many, you get stuck.

Why did my father leave us?

Why did my sister have to die?

Why doesn’t anyone help that homeless man?

Why don’t people get treated fairly in an age where equality is such a big deal?

Why is the court system so corrupt?

Why are there earthquakes?

Why isn’t there any healing?

Why am I even here?

How do you love people who are in a place where they are supposed to bring justice to the people without the freedom to speak for themselves?

How do you penetrate such a mighty fortress that is layered with hatred, bitterness, anger and disappointment?

How do you love someone who gives people punishment beyond what is required, just because he thinks they deserve it?

You stop asking questions.

Stop asking the questions that hinder you from making changes.

Don’t ask

            How do you love the man who brings injustice?

Ask

            Why should I love the man who brings injustice?

Changing the face of the question will change the face of the man.

The Dirt Man

At 11 years old I thought it would be a good idea
To go light up
Behind a park bench
With some old friends.

From that moment on,
I saw black and white.
I saw wrong and right.
I saw day and night.
From that moment on I went through my life
Doing whatever I liked,
Because I owned the night.
I was the Night.

All around me, I saw a bunch of golden people.
Golden people with golden lives.
Golden men with golden wives
Holding onto the end of their golden ropes,
With their golden eyes waiting
With an empty hope
For the road to rise up and meet them
But it never will.

Yes, I am broken.
I am dirt compared to those tokens.
But one thing I vow to never be
Is a dirt man spray painted with gold
Just like everyone around me.

What I'm Learning From "Be Church"

People don’t need facts, they need to know why.

I could stop fifty people on the street and tell them all about how Jesus died on the cross for all of our sins, and most of them would probably walk away without thinking too much about it. I’m not saying things like street evangelism don’t work, but what I am saying is that reaching this world for the cause of Christ takes time.

We spend so much times developing things like the Romans Road and other Gospel sharing tactics that we forget about the people we are trying to reach.

When a new concept or idea comes my way, I find myself asking, “What does this have to do with me?” As selfish as that may be, we need to be concerned with our own well being when we are faced with a big life decision. Why does a new relationship with Christ mean anything different?

Math was my least favorite subject until my junior year of high school. When I looked at it, all I saw was a bunch of numbers with stupid rules about why I could and couldn’t do things. It didn’t make any sense. That’s why I hated it so much. I never took the time to see the fact that there was so much under the surface. I began to appreciate the puzzle that was my Algebra homework when I did more than just remember the little rules. With the help of people who were far more educated than I on the subject, I developed a deep appreciation of what math really is by asking one simple question: Why?

It’s the same thing when we’re trying to share the Gospel with someone who has never heard it. Why does a man who lived two thousand years ago have any impact on my life? Why do I need to be so concerned with this Jesus guy?

Explaining the Gospel is crucial, but it’s not the only crucial part of our duty as believers. We need to walk along side other people and show them who Jesus is by the way we think, speak, and act. We need to share the struggles of our own lives so the people around us can see God’s faithfulness in our lives, and see that He really does change things.

We can’t stop at “God loves you.” We need to dig down deeper in order to show people that He really is worth it.

Lacking Appreciation

It’s hard to see the kingdom of God when there is nothing physically there.

I think a lot of people struggle with falling into the temptations and benefits this world has to offer. At some point in our lives, we chase constantly after a world that keeps breaking our hearts and never brings us joy or any sense of self worth. I fall into this category often, and thankfully I have friends who remind me that this world truly has nothing to offer.

I have never really understood why so many Christians want to follow things in this world when they know the joy Christ brings, and have known it for their entire lives. Why would you trade something that holds you together, gives you a purpose, and has an indescribable love for you and everyone around you? Doing drugs or drinking too much makes you forget about troubles, but they come right back when you sober up. Relationships can be great for a multitude of things, but ultimately every single human being you meet will let you down at some point. Distracting yourself with schoolwork or even regular work only leaves you empty and stressed out. I know all of these things because I have experienced them all on a personal level to varying degrees.

I came to know Christ as my Savior a little over three years ago, and since then my life has been a roller coaster ride. My friends have told me that I have an advantage in this life because I know what it’s like to live without Christ, so I can resist “worldly temptations” more easily. I have to disagree with that. Just because I know and can remember what my life without Christ looked like does not mean that I struggle any less than they do daily. I think sometimes that factor helps me stay connected with God because I know how empty it is without Him, but I still struggle.

I think it’s kind of comical that there are so many songs, sermons, and books written of this subject so often. I think that I think it’s funny because people who are constantly surrounded and loved by the body of Christ have it better than most of the population and they don’t even realize it. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves when I hear my friends complain about their family or other people in their lives, because most of the people in their lives love the Lord and are just trying to help them in their walk.

Be happy with the people that are in your life who are teaching you how to live a Godly life. Cherish those influences, because you don’t know if they’ll always be there, and you don’t know how much they are truly teaching you until you look at the things you learned from them as they were teaching you.

“One day we’ll touch the face of our God, and our sorrows will disappear.”

That is a day I wish I could slap onto my calendar and count down to. Unfortunately I have no control over when that day will do. None of us do. As much as we like to think we have control over our lives, we are mistaken, because there’s someone watching over us all the time playing out our lives just the way He planned it before we were born. He sees us when we’re sleeping, and he knows when we’re awake, and he’s one hundred times better than Santa Claus.

This world is just a valley of ashes spray painted gold to make it look pleasing. On the outside it looks good, but when you dig down deep into it you won’t find anything you’re looking for

What is Next

I’m always wishing for the next step, now more than ever before

Who would have guessed that the next step

Would be right outside my door?

Just A Little Bit of Water

Yes, Lady Macbeth,
A little bit of water will wash that sin away.
But I'm afraid to say
That's not all it will take.

You see, I've tried to disguise my lies
By washing them down the drain
But they just get recycled
Into some other form of pain.

So if water won't wash me clean, what will?

And yes, Macbeth,
I think you must have been right
Because after last night
I'm not quite sure if I'll ever be okay.

I've been trying to swallow this thought
That I haven't lived life like I ought,
Chasing fate into the open gates,
Into the blood red ocean
Where I will float on
Into what I hoped would never be.

My Heart has a Sixth Sense

My heart has a sixth sense
                                 That will shatter my world
    And
                      Recompense
                                        The world around me.

It is certainly astounding
       That it can feel something that surrounds me
That my eyes can rarely see.


I want them to be opened.
I want them to believe.

                                                I just need to find the key
                                                That will set these captives
                                                                                         Free.

Perched Atop a Fallen Log

Perched atop a fallen log
With the brisk autumn air kissing her face,
She sits still
Dreaming of what she soon will be
And what she has become.

The birds remind her of where she came from.
They bring back the freedom of frolicking
Down freshly blazed paths that carry her
To her place of refuge.
In that place her thoughts flowed freely
And any fetter locked around her heart was set free.

The trees remind her of where she is going.
From a young sapling with nothing to bring
To a strong shelter for the weak and needy,
Roots set deep into the ground
To stand against any Storm
That may knock it down.
And even when it is knocked down,
It grows back stronger than the first time around,
Growing closer to the Light as it gets taller and stronger.

She is inspired.
She will be free.
She will be strong.
The Light will make her everything
She needs to be

Somebody's Baby

I was desperate.

But rock bottom felt pretty good. I had everything I needed. I was happy, satisfied when I had money to get what I needed, and I lived in the city. It was everything I ever dreamed, on the surface. The only thing I was missing was a house, money, friends and family. Only I didn’t really care about that.

I was running low on cash, and my supply was low. I remembered when I was around seventeen I would see people post pictures on Facebook with homeless guys in them holding up signs saying “Need Money For Drugs” and stuff like that. The photographs were always paired with a comment about how they appreciated the addicts honesty. I figured I’d give it a shot.

Leaning against a building, half asleep with my sign in front of me, I hoped to get enough money for at least the next day. My only other option was prostitution, and I would never in a million years have pictured myself doing that. But, if it needed to be, it would be done. I looked down the sidewalk only to find a man walking my way. He looked like he was going to come talk to me, and that’s all I hoped for.

He had the kindest eyes I had ever seen, and a gentle loving smile to go with it. He reached out to me as if to shake my hand, and when our hands met was when he finally spoke.

“This money belongs to me, but it comes from someone else. Use it well.”

He squeezed my hand, looked deeply into my eyes as if to say “I’m giving you a second chance with this, don’t blow it.” I just nodded. When I looked down into the palm of my hand, a hundred dollar bill was sitting there. When I looked up he was gone, disappeared into the crowd.

I was set. For days. I went to the corner to set my order, got what I needed and left. I went to my favorite spot in the city, the bridge that gave me shelter and company, and sang me to sleep at night with the music of the river flowing underneath and the buzzing of the cars above.

I took one hit, and couldn’t stop going back for more. I could feel it pulsing through my veins, my head was buzzing, and I got a warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt blissful. It was the closest thing to perfect I had ever felt in my life.

I sat watching the water pass below me. I started to think of the man who handed me that hundred-dollar bill. I remembered the look in his eyes before he left. “Don’t blow it.” I wished with everything inside of me that I could see him again. I wanted to ask him for help. He was the last person I met who really would give me help. I needed him, more than I needed this high. But he was gone. I blew it.

That’s when I drifted off to sleep for the last time.