You just keep drifting, further and further away, and I can't handle
the fact that I did absolutely nothing to stop it. I remember always loving
when you were around. Not just physically here, but really... here. Now you're
so far away that even when you’re right in front of me, it feels like you’re in
some other world... you're just always falling.
I just want things to go back to normal. I want you to
be the person I’ve always known, but you can’t be. I thought maybe it was just
some sort of teenage angst you were trying to get through, but it ended up
becoming something bigger than that. Family gatherings are so strange without
you. I realized that when you aren’t there, I have no one to get into trouble
with. I tried to get used to it but I just can’t. It’s not the same. It’s like
you just fell off the face of the earth that night.
When I got the news, every part of me went numb. I
stayed in my room with the door locked thinking about everything I missed. I
sat there for hours finding ways to blame myself. Maybe I should have paid more
attention. Maybe I should have called. Maybe if I tried to track you down you
wouldn’t have done something so senseless. I should have tried to help. Maybe
if I let myself understand, I could have helped you through it.
But I think I was scared. I mean, in the back of my
mind, I probably knew exactly what was going on with you. It was just easier to
ignore all the bad stuff than it was to face it. You didn’t make sense anymore…
I was scared of what you were turning
into, and I chose not to believe what I was hearing.
You see, everything people were saying about you were
just stories, and stories aren't always true… right? Sure, they could have been
true, but I wasn’t there so I didn’t have to believe them and I refused to.
That wasn’t the you I’ve known, so why would I even think about questioning it?
I wanted to cling to what I knew was true, even if it meant losing you. I was
selfish.
Knowing the truth about what you’ve become would mean
losing all my trust in you. It’s easier to just ignore it… All that pain that I
experienced, all of it was like grieving for a heart that’s still beating. You
are alive, but really you are dead.
I would do anything to go back in time and change it. I
would trade places with you if I could. Your life has potential, I can see where
it could have gone if one of us just did something different. Now I feel guilt
that doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever felt before.
I just… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I haven’t
been there like I should have. I’m sorry I didn’t call to see if you were okay.
I’m sorry I didn’t question the strange things you did. I’m sorry I didn’t
reach out to you. I’m sorry I let fear take control of my life. I’m sorry I let
you down. I’m sorry I was too attached to the old you to try to help the new
you. I’m sorry I’m so self-centered.
I’m sorry... about everything, but not all is lost. Just let me
back in. Let’s work on this together. Let’s focus on positivity. Once you hit
rock bottom, the only way is up, right?. Me with my problems, and you with
yours make two pretty messed up people… but we live in a pretty messed up
world, so maybe if I could help you and you could help me we could help the
world. So, let’s start moving forward instead of falling away.--
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