Closer to Reality

The sunset was burning the brightest reds, pinks, yellows and oranges I had ever seen. It was like a painting. It was beautiful. That whole evening was just beautiful in general, because the weather was perfect and I got to spend time with some of my best friends for the first time in a long time. We were driving down the highway in my friend’s convertible when I asked if we could pull over so I could take a nice picture of the sunset and of everyone together again. They refused, so I attempted to take it anyway, but I couldn’t seem to get it right. With the car always moving and trees always getting in the way I just couldn’t get the photo. I was upset, because that sunset made me happy. My friends made me happy. But they didn’t want to stop for even a minute so I could get that picture. If they asked why I wanted it so badly I wouldn’t have been able to answer. It was just something I felt I needed, and I couldn’t get it because they just wouldn’t stop.

So we continued, traveling down the highway at a speed that would have gotten my friends license taken away if she got pulled over. I gave up on the picture at this point, sat back, and clung to the car for dear life. I told her to slow down but everyone else was encouraging her to go faster. I kept yelling “Slow down, slow down!” and praying that a police officer would come by and pull her over. We were coming around a bend and she tried to turn, but she lost control. Our car went spinning off the road and over the guardrail.

All I could hear was crushing branches and heavy breathing. I think we were too scared to scream, or maybe we did and I just couldn’t hear it.

I woke up at that point, in a cold sweat and crying. It was all just a dream; we were all sleeping quietly in our beds dreaming the night away. I went back to sleep, and as I drifted away I realized, that dream was far closer to reality that I thought. 

Momentum

I cry out for help,
but is that what I really need?
I ask for faith,
but it's never left my side.
I use my pleas as a distraction
from what I'm trying to hide.

All of my scars burn
because over and over,
they are cut open.
The fault is only mine.

I'm asking for something I already have,
it's my way of avoiding the real problem.
But with you by my side,
I can move mountains.
I'm not in need of faith,

I need momentum.

So when I get to that mountain,
I can push it away...
Effortlessly.

baby steps

even though she is broken,
she will sing again.

for now she is blinded,
she cannot see what is to come.

but hope always remains.

he is delicately woven,
deep into the fabrics of her heart.
where he will show his face again.

Love isn't Made

I wish I grew up when love was a revolution.
When it wasn't thrown around,
And we didn't use it to pull each other down.
That's why I'm so lost, I can never be found.
It's because I can't see love the way it is.

I search high and low,
I can't seem to find it.
Love is like a drug,
It's no longer the solution, it's the problem.
We all think love can be made,
That love isn't real.

It breaks us into pieces,
Leaves this puzzle unsolved.
In this kind of life
We find no resolve.

I'm looking for some reasons
That make me believe in
Something bigger than myself.

Until I find that reason
I'm stuck inside this season,
Only when I discover, love can't be borrowed
Will I believe in life and love and hope and joy.
Love isn't borrowed,
Love isn't made.

Farther -- A Monologue

You just keep drifting, further and further away, and I can't handle the fact that I did absolutely nothing to stop it. I remember always loving when you were around. Not just physically here, but really... here. Now you're so far away that even when you’re right in front of me, it feels like you’re in some other world... you're just always falling.

I just want things to go back to normal. I want you to be the person I’ve always known, but you can’t be. I thought maybe it was just some sort of teenage angst you were trying to get through, but it ended up becoming something bigger than that. Family gatherings are so strange without you. I realized that when you aren’t there, I have no one to get into trouble with. I tried to get used to it but I just can’t. It’s not the same. It’s like you just fell off the face of the earth that night.

When I got the news, every part of me went numb. I stayed in my room with the door locked thinking about everything I missed. I sat there for hours finding ways to blame myself. Maybe I should have paid more attention. Maybe I should have called. Maybe if I tried to track you down you wouldn’t have done something so senseless. I should have tried to help. Maybe if I let myself understand, I could have helped you through it.


But I think I was scared. I mean, in the back of my mind, I probably knew exactly what was going on with you. It was just easier to ignore all the bad stuff than it was to face it. You didn’t make sense anymore…  I was scared of what you were turning into, and I chose not to believe what I was hearing.

You see, everything people were saying about you were just stories, and stories aren't always true… right? Sure, they could have been true, but I wasn’t there so I didn’t have to believe them and I refused to. That wasn’t the you I’ve known, so why would I even think about questioning it? I wanted to cling to what I knew was true, even if it meant losing you. I was selfish.

Knowing the truth about what you’ve become would mean losing all my trust in you. It’s easier to just ignore it… All that pain that I experienced, all of it was like grieving for a heart that’s still beating. You are alive, but really you are dead.

I would do anything to go back in time and change it. I would trade places with you if I could. Your life has potential, I can see where it could have gone if one of us just did something different. Now I feel guilt that doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever felt before.  

I just… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I haven’t been there like I should have. I’m sorry I didn’t call to see if you were okay. I’m sorry I didn’t question the strange things you did. I’m sorry I didn’t reach out to you. I’m sorry I let fear take control of my life. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I was too attached to the old you to try to help the new you. I’m sorry I’m so self-centered.

I’m sorry... about everything, but not all is lost. Just let me back in. Let’s work on this together. Let’s focus on positivity. Once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up, right?. Me with my problems, and you with yours make two pretty messed up people… but we live in a pretty messed up world, so maybe if I could help you and you could help me we could help the world. So, let’s start moving forward instead of falling away.-- 

Life is Full of Contradictions

Steady now... right on the edge.
A balancing act so perfect,
So risky, so... Real.
I feel my heart sink down
From my chest to my feet,
And somehow right through me.
It feels so wrong,
But now, I'm free.
Right where I belong.

Departure

if you were born to inspire,
be an inspiration.
if you were born to encourage,
be an encouragement.
if you were born a lover, or a fighter,
or if you were born to bring change to this world,
do it.
there's only one of each of us.
together, we can sing in beautiful harmony.
learn to be a little different, who you were made to be.
because when we all sing the same part,
all the beauty is gone.
what's a song without harmony?
what is life without difference?